Part II– Search for happiness
There are essentially two things in this universe; I, the subject and the world, the assembly of objects with which I interact or transact. Objects of my interaction or transaction include sentient beings as well as insentient objects. From birth to death, I continuously evolve from being a child to a youth, an adult, an old man and, one day, I leave this world, never to return again. I do not know where I came from nor do I know where I am going. I have no knowledge of the life before or life after. Religions tell me that I go heaven or hell, depending on whether I follow them or not. The only thing that I am sure of is that I am here and the world is there, and I am forced to deal with it throughout my life. In fact, life is nothing but transacting with the world from birth to death.
The fact of the matter is that no one has ever asked me or consulted me before hand at to whether I would like to be born or not, where I should be born, who should be my parents or siblings or even what type of body that I want - male, female or any other life form, etc. Is life just an accident that begins and ends when circumstances are favorable or unfavorable? If everything is predestined, then I am just a pawn in the game of life. But who is playing that game at my expense? He should know that I too have feelings of what I like and do not like and definitely I do not want to be a pawn for somebody’s pleasure. Whatever may be my complaints, there is nothing that I can do. I just find myself in this world struggling to find my identity, competing like everyone else to gain things that I like and get rid of those things that I do not like. Life does not seem to be fair at all. This is not only my conclusion but seems to be the conclusion of everyone. Nobody says that I have everything that I want and I am happy as I am and do not want for any thing else. Most of them have complaints, about their health, wealth or someone’s misconduct. When two people meet and talk, they only talk about how great they are and how unfair others are towards them.
When I look at my life (impartially!), most of the time I find myself at a disadvantage, unable to compete fairly in the world to achieve what I want. I see that there are some people who have all the luck that they really do not deserve (at least from my perspective). I am always envious of those who are luckier than I am, particularly of those who are born rich or become rich by hook or crook or have everything that I like to have, without much effort on their part. Of course they say they do not have enough, but I think they are just greedy, and I would be happy if I had what they have.
There are of course some who make it a point to let me know that I do have a lot compared to millions of others who do not have even a meal a day, a shelter over their head or pure water to drink. These people are just jealous. Of course many times, I try to show off , in whatever way I can, about things that I have or even things that I do not have but make believe that I have, since I find that they respect me more based on what I have than what I am. But that is life and everybody does that. Personally, I am always more concerned, however, about things that I do not have, that I would like to have, than about things that I have. I forget what I have but remember well what I do not have and would like to have. I always want something or other so that I can be happier than I am right now.
I must confess that I somehow struggled hard to achieve some of the things that I like, and that made me happy. The funny thing is that, until I got them, I was longing for them. But when I got them I found, although they are OK, I nevertheless need more for me to be happy. I still feel that things that I have are not adequate to give me that happiness that I want and I want bigger and better things or to achieve greater things in life so that I can be happier. However much I achieve or gain, I find my self to be in a disadvantaged position or an inadequate person, always needing more things than I have.
I would like to have everything so that I can be happy and contented. I would like to reach a state of fulfilment in my life, a feeling of completeness, a feeling that I have all that I want and that I have achieved all that I would like to achieve. But that seems never to happen in this life. I remain always an inadequate person, however much I have. While I am proud of everything that I have accomplished, there is always that ‘but’, with something more than I already have or have achieved. I always find someone or other who is luckier than I, who has more than I have and has achieved more than I have achieved. I find many of them that have achieved more than I could but by unfair means. That really bugs me and believe me life really stinks! If only life had been fairer, I could have achieved a lot more in my life and I would have been very happy person!
Proceed to the next essay.