How Do I DO the Investigation?
Charlie Hayes

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Quite a few have asked, essentially, “HOW do I DO this investigation? Do I just ask who am I over and over? I have tried that, it seems to reveal a sense of space and openness but soon I am right back into the pain of being me, and I am still suffering. This goes on in spite of years of commitment to being earnest and taking up practices and meditations etc. I am tired of flopping back into being a little complaining me and I want to end this search for real. What to do? How to see that the I is a phantom as is pointed out by these nondual teachings?”

The "pat answer" in Nonduality circles is to ask, WHO wants to know? That is a great pointer for some but for many it just increases the frustration and is often dismissed as "fundamentalism” or "Advaita-speak" and is certainly NOT helpful in those cases. It's almost kind of condescending...

I can share that the two things that helped the most for me were the seeing that this that I am is not a concept or experience but a silent open background of space-like awareness that is always here before anything else and that I am that awareness. As Bob Adamson and John Wheeler reminded me, we START from that simple undeniable fact that, undeniably, I exist, I AM.

That led to a clear seeing that I AM what I was seeking. Then there came a dropping back into self-identification, self-centered (selfish) thoughts, and the space of simply being appeared to be lost again. That was painful! Then the need for a real down and dirty investigation challenging the mind and its false concepts and assumptions became evident as the suffering … painful emotions and unwanted intense experiences of feeling sad, contracted, angry, frustrated etc. happened again and again.

Something I found very helpful was listening to Stephen Wingate talk about his own experience of this, and how our mutual friend John Wheeler had guided him to make the investigation personal and real in his own experience. In Stephen’s case, as he shares, he began asking himself new questions, along the lines of what exactly IS “Stephen?” He was looking into his own experience of being alive instead of applying a “one size fits all” generic pointer. This did the trick for Stephen (you can hear him discuss in detail how specifically this happened on his excellent audio CDs.)

So I started looking in these more direct personal ways, with support from many friends, including Bob, John, John Greven, Stephen, and Annette Nibley. It is GREAT to have friends like these along the seeking path!

I started looking more deeply at what or who IS this “Charlie” person, what is it that I really believe I am? Several things, identities if you like, came up, and were tested for “truth.” What I found is that the mind makes endless assertions about what I am and when I fail to seek evidence for its assertions I leave the false unchallenged … and that leaves the cause of suffering in place and it continues to create havoc for this boy’s life!

For example: I am “Charles in charge.” I am “the boss.” I am "the actor, the doer, the decider.” I am “me” and you are “not me.” "I am me and the way things work around here is we do things MY way.” It’s “My way or the highway.” And so on. The I am as an identity that Charlie is, is bossy, arrogant and knows everything about everything. “I Am what I think and I am right” was another one. A know-it-all. But all these fail the truth test. I am always finding out I don't know about something. There is always a clear failure to "make life go my way" ...  over and over! Wanting things to go my way is as effective as telling the weather not to rain. Or trying to herd cats.

But that was all a sort of “array of branches” and the root still had not been gotten down to. So the looking into this space of being I show up in for some root cause went on for a while. Then it became clear that “I am the one who is looking for what I am." “I must find out what I am.” This arises as a sense of frustration as there seems to be a power to think, I can choose what thoughts to focus my attention on, however, while I CAN choose a created thought like "Who Am I?" what I have NO control over is that power that causes thinking itself to arise! It happens! Thoughts happen, whether I want them to or not! In other words I can select from a menu of thoughts so to say, BUT I cannot choose to have NO thoughts come up. And I saw that experience follows concept, that a thought of me that thinks leads to the idea that I can choose and decide and have it my way, and the frustration of trying to practice choice and having my choices be thwarted is really painful. The mind intends for example to never get upset again because I know that when I get upset it hurts, and it’s unhealthy etc. BUT the next time I am triggered by some happening that is not in accordance with what I intend, bang! I am in a tantrum, like a bratty kid, cussing at myself for (again) overeating and getting fat, or (again) dropping something and berating myself for being clumsy, etc.

So what this showed me is that for me, who I am is “a stupid idiot who STILL can’t do anything right. Despite all these years of experience and practice, I am still at the effect of some mechanism that runs me and makes me still believe 'I am me' and that 'me' is an old, clumsy, stupid, angry person."

So I came back to what Stephen was pointing out and looked into this more deeply than ever: What IS Charlie? What actually IS Charles? What IS "this person, here?" This me is subtler than a thought, finer than an experience, less evident than the surface stuff described above. What IS Charles?

Finally the seeing arose, “I don’t know!”

Abiding as this “I don’t Know” brought the mind to a full stop and there was and is what was sought … Perfect Peace, Absolute Freedom. Timeless Choiceless Awareness, like a blank clear transparent screen on which apparent choices and chooser arise together; on which the apparent opposites of I and other arise together. THAT, I AM. THAT, THOU ART.

This is inquiry: the key as far as I can tell is the "making it real for me.” Making it about my own experience instead of someone else’s, because no Guru or Friend can be alive for me, no one else experiences life a I experience it, so it really HAD to become directly and personally MY looking. The guidance from friends like John and Stephen that were complete in their search was invaluable, yet in the final analysis it was up to me.

And so, the final truth is clear and self-evident: I AM That I AM. Being, Choiceless Awareness ... Just That and Nothing Else.

Finding your own path into this inquiry make take some new and fresh personal ways to look into yourself for yourself. This site and my books are here to support that looking for yourself, by yourself, as are the friends listed on my links page.

Be in touch if you like. I am available at non.duality@yahoo.com or by phone at +1 580-366-4083. You can also leave a message on Skype for charlesdavidhayes, if you like.

I love you all as my own Self, and of course I wish you the very best. Thanks for taking time to read this. I hope it helps, if you are still suffering.

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