Monday morning 3.45 am Sep
10, 2007
The turning point. Vague, but tangible. Seemingly
trivial, subtly vital. How do I make this
the moment. The moment to end moments. The
eternal now. Unbroken awareness. Awareness
of the spectacular possibitly of manifested existence. Awareness
of the unmanifested existence which is now, which
is me.
A manifested existence built on the shining
hill. A hill of shinning moments, of brilliance
and ignorance. Hurts and joys. Shame
and moments to be proud of. The moments
that have defined me until now. A heaping
pile of shining light.
I stand on this hill naked. Alone. Lost. With
seemingly nothing to build with, only a broken
pile to stand on.
I have died. The building which was me
has collapsed. I am reborn. Standing
on the hill which was me. When I was first
born, I had my mothers house to call my own. To
protect me. Now I have nothing but the
memory. Alone. Abandoned. Bleeding. Am
I bleeding? Or is this blood I am covered
in someone elses. I have hurt people. I
have hurt those I loved. I loved those
that hurt me. I am not innocent. I
am not a victim. And if I am a victim,
I am only a victim of myself.
I stand on bodies. On broken relationships. On
drugs. On broken homes and lives. On
success and failure. On power and fear. Love
and hatred. Secrets and lies. Faith. Beliefs. Ignorance. And
wisdom.
Wisdom.
The wisdom shines. It all shines. The
pile I stand on shines. Everything I stand
on is wisdom. It is death, blood, pain,
sorrow, drugs, lives, loves, knowledge, and ignorance. Everything
that was me has been destroyed. I stand
apon this massive hill of destruction, and it
shines. Shines as wisdom. Terrible,
glorious wisdom. Agonizing wisdom. Blinding
light.
Who am I?
I am not that which is now destroyed. That
which I stand on. I am not the wisdom. I
am the awareness of the wisdom. I am awareness. I
am that I am.
Monday 4.15am
What now?
Do I build a castle on this hill? Another
castle, doomed to crumble. A castle built
on wisdom. The wisdom that says it will
crumble too. And when it does, all that
will remain is awareness. Naked awareness. Wisdom
to see that which everyone sees only when they
die. Wisdom they do not have to live with. My
castle crumbled too soon, and I did not die. Now
I must build another castle, without the ignorance. I
know it will all crumble again. My burden. My
wisdom. My truth. Not many others
can grasp. Maybe intuitively know, but
not grasp totally.
So now what?
I will build another castle. A castle
on a shining hill. A beautiful castle made
of non-resistance, non-judgement, and non-attatchment. For
these are the only building blocks worthy of
this shining hill.
Many will pass by my castle on the hill, and
say “Who does he think he is, building
his house on a hill? He must think he is
better than us!”. “Look he
does what we do, but not the same way. Does
he think he is different than us!” “Have
you looked into his eyes, there is something
secret in them.”
And then one day someone will be passing by
and stop. Someone with eyes like mine. They
will smile, then laugh. They will say, “Look
at this man, he has lost everything once and
survived. Now he has built a beautiful
castle on the remains. He knows it will
fall again, so he has built it of non-attachment,
non-judgement, and non-resistance. He is
like a child building sand castles before the
tide comes in and destroys it. Of all the
castles I have seen, this is one of the most
beautiful.”
These people will look into my eyes and not
see a secret, but the truth. Others will
see a secret and say “ He is so sad, carrying
such a burden”. But the people who
see the truth will say “Wow, he is so peaceful. He
has been to heaven and hell. But he is
not of heaven or hell. He just is. Truly
this is the happiness which surpasses all understanding. He
is not happy that he has such a beautiful castle,
nor is he sad that one day it will crumble. He
has that peace. Abiding serenity. He
has that peace which is the same in heaven or
hell. Look at how the ignorant misread
his eyes. Some see heaven, some see hell. The
wise see the truth, see the peace. The
end of suffering.”
5.55am
Jason James Morgan
Return to list of topics in Discourses by Teachers and Writers .
See the list sorted by Topic.
See the list sorted by Author.
|